and actually be happy! ……

So we all at times can be a little controlling. And at other times we can also be a little bit of a FREAK. But overcoming being a control freak is not as hard as it sounds. It just takes a little bit of practice, patience and faith.

Now there is no better person to talk to you right now about control. Because me and control use to be the best of buddies. I made sure my partner at the time met my expectations and in return that control gave me the “so called security and safety” which deep down I craved. So how did he meet my expectations? I dragged him to personal development seminars, I put some ambition in him, I got him to eat healthier, dress smarter, act nicer … you name it and I did it. And at the end of it, I had a guy who I didn’t recognise nor respected because he didn’t have the guts to stand up for himself.

Talk about a catch 22. I was beside myself. How could by perfectly executed plan, fall to S**T in so little time? And how come I didn’t have the happiness and fulfilment that I thought control was suppose to give me?

This is a very common problem men and women are facing today in their dating lives and more importantly in their relationships. Its this inability to let it go; to accept the person and the situation that is in front of you. There is so much pushing against, so much wishing things were different and no understanding that “this is where you are and exactly where you need to be”.

The truth is I had to figure out that the fulfilment and the happiness doesn’t come from the attempting the control everything outside of you. It comes from the ability to control everything that is going on inside of you. Its about inquiring about what’s “within” and just being “ok” with what you find. Too many people are focused on fixing the people around them, when really the one that needs work is them. To be honest its a lot easier to focus fixing someone “else” rather than spending time “fixing” yourself.

So how did I manage to stop the control in my relationships? Well after that relationship ended I have to learn to relinquish control when it came to dating. I have to accept that some people were going to be “into me” and some were not. I have to accept that I didn’t “know” where any potential relationship was going. I had to accept the way I felt about a particular person and instead of resisting it, just sitting with the feeling. I had to accept that at the time I was single and that was perfectly ok. I had to realise that if there was something I wanted to improve in someone else that I was the one that probably had to make that improvement in my life.

Once your in this habit its easy to take it to form a healthy relationship with someone you really care about. You can actually create a real relationship based between two people meeting each other needs rather than being in a relationship to purely meet your own. When you relinquish that control you find that freedom and joy you had always been looking for.

Nowdays I don’t have the urge to make my partner into a “better person” - he is doing a great job on his own. My plan is not to have a plan. I don’t need to worry about what he should wear, what he should eat and what he should spend his time on. I feel safe and secure knowing that relinquishing that control gives me the freedom and the happiness that I really desire. I use the energy I would exert on fixing my partner on doing things that make me feel good. I don’t need to know what is going to happen next and only focus on what is happening right now. And most importantly I trust that as long as you remain authentic in that relationship; no matter if it lasts a lifetime or ends tomorrow that you did the best you knew how, with who you were at that given point in time – and that is more than enough.

So how about you guys give it a shot too? =P

Hot Alpha Female

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In a nutshell. Hell NO!! Don’t worry I was one of those girls that dreamed, that preyed, that wished it was so. That meeting the right person would dissolve any issues of conflict, fighting or heaven forbid a staleness of passion for each other.

But I was slapped in the face by the cold hard truth. That to have a great dating relationship, to have a great long term relationship you are going to need a little more than a so called “ever lasting love” for each other.

Because you know what? Passion only ever lasts for so long and really nothing in this life lasts forever. We grow up, we mature, we get old and then we start shrinking. Not the pyramids, the oceans, nor your “good moods” can last forever. This is a simple truth of life.

So as we are riding the turbulent waves of life; good and bad, sad and happy, passionate and bored - the passion in our relationship can also waver. The truth is to have a great relationship - you are going to have to step up to the plate and be great at a lot of different things.

You are going to have to be great at communicating, listening and being patient. You are going to have to at times refrain from yelling, refrain from breaking down. You are going to have to learn to sometimes put someone else’s needs before your own. To smile when you feel down, to give when all you do is feel like taking and to be empathetic when really you want to bitch slap them.

I see so many guys and girls out there waiting. Waiting for the right person to come along. Waiting for the right relationship to appear in front of them. Waiting for the right moment to come past, sweep them off their feet and wash away their worries.

We’ll this isn’t a movie and there is no guaranteed happy ending. Your relationships are what you make of them and there is no single moment that is any better than the other. You can’t put your life on hold even if you tried.

So in answer to my original question, is love enough to make a great relationship. No its not and it never will be. This is reality …… not “Sleepless in Seattle”. But if love is only part of what makes a great relationship and you have it, then the good news is that your already half way there ….

It means that if you love each other then it means that you will fight to be together, it means that you will do things for this person that you wouldn’t do for anyone else, it means that your heart is open to forgiveness and that for once you put someone’s needs before your own. Love is a truly magical thing and every one who has found it no matter for how long or short that may have been – has been truly blessed with a magical experience that cannot be traded for anything in the world.

So what are you going to do to MAKE it a great and long lasting love?

Hot Alpha Female

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So for my loyal readers, you may have realised that I have moved off blogger and onto my own BLOG! Yes, that’s right, Hot Alpha Female “The Blog” has undergone a MAJOR overhaul (I don’t know what other makeover you were thinking about!)

So hope you guys like the look and feel of this website. I really wanted something that was more user friendly and easier on the eyes, so you guys can find what you want … and find it fast!

Like with all new things, there are heaps of little bugs I need to iron out, but don’t worry I’m totally onto it!

In the meantime, I would love your feedback on the new website, any suggestions on things you want to see on here as well as pointing out anythings that need to be fixed =)

Thanks guys for all your loyal readership, don’t worry there is a lot more interesting and juicy content coming out your way!

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to figure out how to transfer all my RSS subscribers from blogger onto here, so if you guys were subscribed to my old blog, then you are going to have to resubscribe (Sorry!)

You can do this right here

Look out for the next post which will be coming out on Wednesday 9th June 2010. You guys are gonna love it!

Hot Alpha Female

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More or less these are people who are in a “single” rut as I would say. There is one instance where this statement could be a turning point in their dating lives depending on what they mean when they say this.

Ever heard of the cliche term, “you find someone when you are not looking for them” - well what does law of attraction have to say about that huh? So as I was thinking about this the other day, I came to a really awesome conclusion and now I’m going to share this with you.

There are the two meanings that this one statement could have.

When someone says “I just don’t care anymore” - most of the time you can see it on their face and hear it in their voice that they do care. They clearly care and they have been caring for a really long time and are now just frustrated and miserable that they still haven’t found someone. Ultimately they wear this statement as a badge of honur.

“I’m cool” because “I don’t care anymore”.

Yeh, your not fooling anyone ….

Because as you make this statement it is clearly obvious to everyone around you that you do care, it does bother you and your miserable.

These people will remain single for a little while longer.

Then you have the people that say “I just don’t care anymore”- but what they have come to, is an acceptance that they haven’t found someone yet and the realization that they can be just as happy with or without a partner by their side.

These are the people that go out there and celebrate life regardless of their relationship status, people who fully engaged in everything that they do.

People who look at finding a partner as an addition to their life rather than the whole existence of their life. People who seek to understand themselves better, to learn about life and deal with every situation that comes their way.

These people have been able to remove the anger from their lives, the wishing the wanting of something different to happen to them, than what IS happening to right now.

Every single day that I am in a relationship I realize how much “being single” was practice to have a better relationship.

Yet it can be hard to see this when you are single and have been for quite some time. All I can say is that being single is a process, it’s a journey and it doesn’t stop when you meet the right person.

The trumpets don’t sound, music doesn’t start playing and no “happy ending” is in sight.

As Margaret Bonnano once said “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis”.

SO with that said “the I don’t care factor” can be really effective - but only if you truly mean it, are detached from outcome and fully engaged with your life.

Hot Alpha Female

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Now I’m sure if you are a person that has never been cheated on or done the cheating you definitely know someone who has.I’m hesitant to write about this situation - because I’ve never cheated or been cheated on (that I know of). So I’m worried that my perspective may be slightly skewed and just plain down right unrealistic.

But I’m going to continue writing anyway. The truth is that besides the fact that I have never been in the situation before, I have definitely seen my friends and people I care about go through the emotional turmoil.

Lets admit it, cheating makes things pretty messy. The fact is, its easy to say what you will or won’t do. Like “I’ll never cheat” or blurt out clichés like “once a cheater always a cheater”, but until you are in a particular situation, who knows what you will really do.

Now first lets define what cheating is. Does that mean having some sort of a physical relationship with someone else, no matter how brief?

Does a kiss on the lips with someone other than your partner constitute as cheating? Does opening up to someone on an emotional level in addition to your partner constitute as emotional cheating and is therefore just as treacherous?

I’m the kind of girl that loves black and white, right and wrong. But I’ve learnt that there are a lot of life situations where shades are grey, are all that exist.

Cheating is one of these areas.

So to get us all running off the same base, lets just say that you have slept with someone else other than your partner. Lets say it was once and you wish to purse no other relationship with this partner in crime.

What do you do?

Are you part of the “what he/she doesn’t know can’t hurt him/her” team?

Or are you more of an advocate of “he/she has a right to know” team?

Here is what I think.

Many argue that option A is better, because the act of telling your partner that you cheated on them, gives them the burden of bearing your own guilt.

The fact is that “you” made the wrong decision and therefore you have to bear the consequences of withholding it to just yourself.

People say that this option is better because then the relationship can continue its course and no one will be the wiser. You learnt your lesson. You know how you feel about your partner and you want to continue a relationship with them.

My thoughts? Taking this option is simply the easy way out. You convince yourself your doing your partner a favor by sparing them the pain of finding out that you were unfaithful to them.

Well reality check. You still did it. And that is not going to change anything. I think its naive, ignorant and highly selfish to make that decision on your partner’s behalf.

When you entered into a relationship you also created a contract - which I believe involves honesty and respect.

What is honest and respectful about not telling you partner the truth?

I think the real reason why people don’t want to tell a partner of their infidelity is because they are scared of losing them.

Scared that telling the truth will completely abolish everything they have worked so hard to create.

But let me tell you this. Honesty is always the best policy. Let me just play it out for you.

You do tell him/him. They can’t forgive you and you guys end the relationship - learn your lessons and move on. Did you have something so “real” anyway if you had to go somewhere outside that relationship to get your needs met and couldn’t communicate your way out of it?

You do tell him/her. You guys fight. Your both hurt. You communicate through it. You learn to develop a deeper trust for eachother, set new boundaries, learn to meet eachother needs and the relationship actually gets taken to a whole new level.

Some of you may think that option B is a utopian way of looking at it. The truth is, that many couples work through cheating and come out stronger at the end of it.

For me this topic is really about whether you have the guts to face your fears, to own up to something that is going to eat at you for years anyways and a chance to learn something new about yourself.

Why would you run away and want to avoid that? Life wasn’t meant to be easy. Its there for us to challenge our fears and face the truth.

I’m sure a lot of you have things to say about this. But what are your thoughts? If you have cheated on a partner, should you tell them or not. If so why/why not?

Looking forward to your comments

Hot Alpha Female

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I’m sure there are many of YOU guys who have gone through a breakup - where the girl has clearly dumped you.

Breakups in general suck! But if its a different girl, but the same situation over and over again, then there has to be something “Your” doing to contribute the ultimate ending of your relationship.

If you can get her, thats one thing, but can you really keep her, because that in itself is the ultimate skill.

Jay and I don’t really believe in rules. But more guidelines, ways of thinking and principles. In this video we address some hot issues like;
*Why girls like straight to your face and get away with it.

*The truth about “being yourself” and what really works.

*What are some attractive factors that keep a girl interested and begging for MORE MORE MORE!

Next post is coming out on Friday! - Cheating, To Tell or Not To Tell ….

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