Not so set in stone

While cleaning out my garage, I come across a small, brown, carefully-wrapped, unmarked box. As I unpeel the tape from the package and uncover the contents, I find myself taking a stroll down memory lane as I pull out a red-leather banded watch with a diamond inlay, a gold promise ring and a platinum engagement band.

I remembered now — this was my “stuff that my ex-boyfriend game me” box, “stuff I don’t know what to do with now that we’re not together but can’t find the guts to throw away” box. I had packed away all proof that a relationship with the guy ever existed and had thrown it in the back of my garage, but apparently, I had forgotten to write on the top of the box in all caps, “DO NOT OPEN.”

So there it was again, things I still, after four years, had absolutely no idea what to do with and didn’t have the guts to toss in the garbage. As I always do when I’m in a pickle, I turn to Google. I type in “exboyfriend’s jewelry” in the search box and, lo and behold, I have 140,000 results. At the top of the list is exboyfriendjewelry.com, where girls can buy and sell jewelry given to them by their exboyfriends. The procedure was simple: register your name, post a photo of given jewelry with suggested price, along with a brief description of the ex who gave you the jewelry.

It seemed like an easy enough answer to the conundrum I was facing at the moment. But for some reason, something kept me from putting my jewelry up for auction. Was it the guilt of making cash off of a ruined relationship? Or was it just the strange feeling I got when I thought of some girl wearing my precious stones?

I shut off my computer and packed the watch, the promise ring and engagement band back in the little brown box. I taped it tightly shut and, this time, I wrote on the top with a red Sharpie, “HAZARDOUS. DO NOT OPEN.”

To boob, or not to boob?

There are certain requirements to carrying out a given task: you need an apple seed to grow an apple tree and a champion horse to win the Kentucky Derby.

And, you definitely need double-Ds to have titty sex.

Any less, and it’s like having a full house party with a six-pack — there’s just not enough.

Granted, he probably wanted to show me that he could be adventurous in the sack. But an adventure in by 34-Bs?

He must’ve thought that dismounting my chest after already having attempted a titty session would have been a bit awkward. Or, maybe he really, desperately wanted to prove his wild side.

Whatever his reasons were, he kept on driving back and forth to no avail. In time he just utilized his right hand and came.

I guess it was a nice try, but he definitely won’t be trying that trick on me again. Ever.

The breakup playlist

It was nasty. You were angry. Maybe it was his fault; maybe it was yours. Either way, the breakup was so painful that you swore you’d never fall for another man ever again. You stayed up all night and cried, and then called up your girlfriends for ice cream and a sob-a-thon-male-bash fest because having someone to sympathize with you is just so comforting.

But during those moments when you’re by all by your lonesome because your girlfriends can’t be physically there for you 24-7 — like when you’re in your room getting dressed or when you’re driving to work and you feel your stomach churn as you replay the breakup in your head for the one-hundredth time — you need something to get your mind off the heartbreak, to keep you from cutting yourself or driving off a cliff. So here are songs you should jam out to during those agonizing times, to remind you of why you don’t need the loser anyway.

As the epitome of the you-broke-my-heart-and-now-I’m-gonna-bash-you-in-a-song artist, Kelly Clarkson’s (Since U Been Gone, Walk Away, Never Again) tunes in the key of angry are ones to definitely include. I mean, did he deserve you? Nah. So should you still be crying over him? No, duh. So get a move on — think about all the reasons he wasn’t worth your time and about the good times you’ll now have without him. Other artists to listen to are Jojo (Too Little Too Late, Get Out), Christina DeBarge (Good Bye), Katy Perry (Ure So Gay) and Rihanna (Ovation).

Tracks that empower women and their sexuality, like Destiny’s Child and Beyonce (Irreplaceable, Single Ladies, Independent Woman), Christina Aguilera (Fighter, Can’t Hold Us Down), Pink (So What) and The Pussycat Dolls (Don’t Need a Man, Don’t Cha) also need to be included. These songs sung by alpha-female goddesses remind us that not only can we easily get over ex-boyfriends, but we can just as easily be happy on our own, or better yet, replace them with better ones and get better sex. And may they soon realize their mistake in letting us go and pine for us forever and ever.

Country music, while usually filled with sorrowful songs of heartbreak and “I can’t live without you”-type emotional lyrics, has a string of female vocalists who aren’t afraid to show a little (or a lot) of aggression toward lost love. Jo Dee Messina’s (Bye Bye) songs are much mellower in nature compared to Carrie Underwood (Before He Cheats) and Taylor Swift’s (Picture to Burn, Should’ve Said No) songs — the girls will key your car and slash your tires, take our your headlights with a baseball bat and sleep with your best buddies. But even these two are tame compared to Miranda Lambert (Gunpowder and Lead, Kerosene), who’ll apparently burn your house down and shoot you. She’s like, “you broke my heart and now you’re gonna die. Haha.” Yeah, they better be shivering in their pants.

Sex addict

My pastor from the church that I attend recently wrote a book about his path to finding Jesus.

In one very “scandalous” chapter, he details his sex addiction and how religion helped him get back on the “right” track.

As I tell one of my guy friends about my pastor’s struggles with internet porn, he looks at me quizzically and asks, “what’s a sex addiction?”

I explain to him that a sex addiction is when thinking about, or engaging in sex becomes such a habit that it interferes with everyday life.

“Well then, I have a sex addiction, too. So does every other guy,” he said.

According to him, he thinks about sex pretty much all day, every day. Cute girl: I have a hard-on. Not so cute girl: it won’t matter if the lights are off. How did she fit into those jeans?: boner. Check out those racks: major boner. Megan Fox: I would give my soul to the devil for a one-night stand with her. Miley Cyrus on the radio: it’s against the law, but I would so do her.

As I thought about what he said, I realized that he had a point. If we follow what conservative Christianity says about sex, we apparently are all addicts.

So as much as I always make an effort to love my neighbor as myself and believe in forgiveness and all that yada yada, if I have to give up getting laid to get to heaven, I’d rather be a sinner.

Law of attraction

As a general rule of thumb in the dating world, people usually partner up in roughly the same band of physical attractiveness.

For example, a short, blond girl will partner up with a very similar-looking short, blond boy. A tall redheaded woman will partner up with a tall redheaded man. As such, ugly ones partner up with each other.

But there are, of course, couples who defy this law of attraction.

There was the pretty, redheaded girlfriend who dated the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Apparently, he had a hefty-sized surprise down under that gave a pretty good competition to his back hump. And then there was the tall blond who dated the Grinch. He was an executive at a financial firm and had a fat wallet, and his high-end lifestyle lured her in despite his constant frown and crinkly body.

There was also the fat, ugly blond guy friend who, one day, started toting around a cute, petite Asian. Rumor has it he bought her off of a website.

So, lesson learned: you shouldn’t settle for someone who is much uglier than you or aim for an Abercrombie & Fitch model if you’re not a perfect 10 yourself — the law of attraction forbids it. Unless you’ve got major bling or an admirable hoo-haa, that is.