Who's more dominant?

[thelockdude]

This post was inspired by another post here entitled "How Far Will She Go?" by spandy4u, but I think my subject matter is different enough to warrant a separate topic.

I too tried to nurture my wife's "dominance" but it created big issues between us.  She is very submissive and wants nothing to do with dominating me.

Being a martial artist, business owner, father, etc., I'm very assertive (even "aggressive") in the vanilla world.  It is hard to separate those responsibilities from my sex life, so it is very unnatural for my wife to take control.  Unnatural to the point where we realized neither of us was capable of that kind of role reversal.  Sex was never good between us, but we love each other very much, and we are fully committed to raising a happy, healthy family.  The sex issue was resolved when we became polyamorous.  Now my wife has other lovers, and I have a Mistress.

The relationship between me and my Mistress is where the real potential for a cuckolding situation exists.  Unfortunately, I find the same dynamics exist between me and my Mistress, i.e. I am usually more assertive/aggressive/dominant than she is.  This is a real obstacle for me - I guess in some ways, I am kind of a control freak.  I'm really anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, perfectionistic, etc., and though I "WANT" to give up control to someone else, I've got these pre-conceived notions of "how it should be" and I drive all my loved ones crazy trying to meet up to my expectations.

Ahh well, fuck it.  Just needed to vent a little, and I figured maybe on this message board I'd find some nice folks who could sympathise, maybe even find someone who's been in my situation or similar.  (Hehe - my Mistress keeps saying *I* should be a bull, but that's just not me.)

Dan

[Stephanie Vega]

If the woman in your life is dominating you but you're telling her how to do it, its essentially masturbation.  However, you are planting seeds.  Unfortunately I've seen situations where the woman goes on to really be a cuckoldress or dominant AFTER the marriage is over.

It's good you've found somewhat of a solution (polyamory)

[thelockdude]

Re: Topping From the Bottom
I'm familiar with that term.  Usually it has a slightly derogatory connotation associated with it.  Often it DOES just feel like masturbation.  OTOH, when I DON'T tell her how to do it, nothing happens.

[spandy4u]

I think "topping from the bottom" is very much when you are controlling the situation. I think there is  a definite distinction that can be drawn when you are "seducing dominance" by behaviour, however - this means that by being more submissive in everyday life - deferring to your partner on important decision-making, doing the chores, handing over financial control on request, accepting that sex is initiated by and for the woman's pleasure etc the dominant side of your partner can surge to the fore and become evident in many ways. The point of the "how far will she go" post is that after a period of "seducing dominance" we are at a stage where I definitely do not feel any semblance of control at all. She has had a taste of what it feels like to be in charge and  is now very much calling the shots, and the intriguing thing is that i love it! maybe it started out as an experiment, or even with me being a little manipulative if you like - but it's not that way now....hence I'm interested in seeing what happens in the coming months. And I haven't ruled out "coming  clean" on any of this, btw - it may be that we need to have a conversation where I say I'm OK with her taking a lover.