Like children telling stories about a scary old man, women criticize each other's sexuality - from a safe distance.

"Slut!"

It's hit and run.

"Slut" is what women call a woman who is "too" sexual. It's someone who can enjoy sex without being in love. Someone who admits she enjoys sex more than a woman "should." In other words, it's a woman who can enjoy sex the way only men are supposed to be able to.

"Look at her, all over him. Is she even wearing a bra? God, anyone can tell what's on her mind...what is she, a nympho?"

But there are costs to this sisterly vigilance. Aware that others will be judging them, it makes women wonder if they're withholding their sexuality "enough." Or it makes them proud that they do. Either way, it says that repressing yourself is an important part of sexuality and relationships. And that's a destructive idea.

Women are caught in a historical collision between the sexual values of the past and future. Religion, the media and our families are sending out contradictory messages about sexuality that are driving women crazy.

Consider: Today's woman is supposed to be sexy, but not too sexy. She's supposed to be responsive enough to validate her partner, but not too aggressive or hard to please. Sexual, but not lusty. Not frigid, but not quite red hot. Her sexuality should express love, not lust.

In short, she has to be sexual in just the right way, regardless of her actual feelings or needs. To conform, to be an acceptable female, women have to carefully modulate, and therefore undermine, their own sexuality.

Monitoring, labeling and criticizing other women are only a few of the many ways that women sabotage their own sexuality. Let's look at several others; do you have a voice in your head saying these or similar self-destructive things?

"Distrust lust; keep your privates private."

"My mother taught me not to dress too sexy," says one dynamic woman I know, "because I shouldn't attract too much attention." For years she followed this code, even as an adult. "Lately, though, I've come out of my closet," she smiles, "dressing sexier, being proud of my body, even showing off occasionally. It's been an interesting change."

And how do other women react? "Close friends seem OK," she reports. "Casual acquaintances, or women I don't know - they seem suspicious, even resentful. Sometimes I see something in their eyes, like, 'oh, you're one of "those" women.' And I feel myself wanting to protest - 'no I'm not!' Then I think, wait, what am I saying? What am I choosing between?"

"My sexuality should be more like his."

Specifically, many women judge themselves with a one-size-fits-all model of arousal and response. That's why they apologize for wanting "so much" foreplay and for taking "too long" to climax. Too many women don't really honor the fact that their sexuality is idiosyncratic. They may be more invested in nongenital aspects of a sexual moment than their partners. Touching, smelling, whispering and other open-ended activities are not adjuncts to the sexual experience - they can be critical parts of it.

The result is that many women make love thinking about the clock. They pressure themselves to be ready sooner and to be done quicker. Rather than honoring their own circular, diffuse, sexual perspective, they've adopted a linear perspective on "foreplay:" it's what you do before the "real thing." Or, as we used to say in high school, it's what you do to get a girl hot.

At lectures, women ask me how to get their mates more interested in foreplay. "Don't apologize for wanting it," I reply. "When you say, 'I know it's a drag, but I guess I'm defective because I need this boring stuff to get ready for the real thing,' your mate instinctively resists."

Women need to honor and value their body's rhythms. You can tell your mate, "Listen, I want to have great sex. I want to get really excited with you. I want to feel your sexuality. I want my body to melt into yours. I want us to drive each other so wild that we can forget about everything and then make love, so let's spend tons of time kissing and squeezing and tasting..."

Who's going to resist that?

"Sex? Only if you're 'swept away' by romance, alcohol, lies or love."

This attitude subverts female sexuality by disowning a woman's ability to turn herself on, to choose how excited to get and to direct the course of a sexual encounter.

As sociologist Carol Cassell notes in her book, "Swept Away," female sexuality is generally considered more acceptable when women are seduced, romanced or misled, because they can't be blamed for what they can't control. If women are swept away, they can have sexual pleasure without having to confront their own desires or self-image. And as a result, many women place themselves in frustrating situations over and over again. These include not having sex when they want it and having sex when they don't.

"Romance" is the social institution that enables both genders to create a socially-approved sexual experience. It's the ritual pageant through which we pretend that sex exists outside the bounds of normal life. Everyone says that relationships should be "honest," but there is little honesty in romance.

Another side of this belief also makes it the man's problem if a woman is dissatisfied: "He just didn't sweep me away the way I need." Naturally, men resent this about women. As my car mechanic once complained, "They don't turn themselves on, you have to do it; half the time they criticize you for manipulating them, the other half they criticize you for not doing it enough."

"Sexy? Only certain people and certain bodies - and you're not either."

If you speak to enough women on the subject, it becomes clear that breasts come in only two sizes: too big and too small. Very few women are happy with their bodies.

And very few women think they're sexy; this even includes many of the small number who feel sexy. They often know that their mates desire them, but they frequently deny that it's because they're "sexy." "My wife," says one frustrated colleague, "believes I think she's sexy mainly because I love her." Most women have a fixed image of what a "sexy woman" is - and it rarely includes themselves.

That image usually isn't anyone we know; in fact, it usually isn't people at all. It's media figures, objectified images separated from their personhood. We don't really think people are sexy, we think images are sexy. A flesh-and-blood woman can't compete with that.

Many women believe that a female who doesn't conform to social standards of sexiness has no right to the accessories of sexiness. I have a client, for example, who won't wear lingerie even though she likes it. "I'm not the type," she once told me sadly. "I would look ridiculous." She's pleasant-looking, and she says her husband would be delighted. But she feels disqualified; she's sure she isn't "like one of those sexy women," even though she feels sexy "in my own way." She discounts her own experience in favor of external norms.

"Once the sexual mood is broken, forget it."

This belief is another way that women deny they have power over their own sexual experience. Instead, they feel controlled by their partner or by "circumstances."

Consciously or not, women make many sexual decisions based on their fear of "breaking the mood." This explains, for example, why some women won't ask a man to use a condom; won't use external lubrication; and won't suggest changing positions to get better clitoral stimulation. Instead, they have sex under flawed conditions.

One definition of "passion" is involvement. If women are passionate during sex, they cannot be easily distracted, and don't have problems recapturing the occasional broken mood. But when women are taught to limit their sexuality to safe, wholesome, ladylike expression, they keep themselves separate from their passion. This maintains the illusion that their sexual feelings originate outside themselves, beyond their control, making them vulnerable to frustrating "circumstances."

Believing such things helps relieve women of responsibility for their own sexuality.

* * *

What messages did you get from your mom about female sexuality? What messages does your daughter get from you?

There are precious few mothers out there telling their daughters that sex is wonderful (which is not the same as saying "go do it"). There are even fewer mothers discussing the broad range of healthy female sexuality. Other than professional sex educators, virtually no one is telling young women that they must guide their own sexuality, not relinquish the job to men or "circumstances" (or bury it altogether).

If you have daughters, are you hiding your sexuality from them? For example, do you pretend you don't notice men on the street, or use contraception, or dress to highlight your best physical features, or have a sexual relationship with your mate (assuming you do)? This is not "flaunting" your sexuality at your child - this is simply acknowledging it the way you acknowledge the rest of your personhood.

Your mom probably hid her sexuality from you; this surely made it more difficult for you to develop a mature sexual outlook. Like most women, as a result, you have been more vulnerable to society's mixed messages and dehumanizing myths about female sexuality.

At some level, every girl tries to be like mom. Copying a mom who seems to lack sexuality, or most of its parts, can provide a shaky foundation for a girl bound for womanhood.

So we come full circle. What shall a woman do instead of honoring oppressive myths, undermining her own sexuality? Honor her sexual experiences, rather than try to interpret them through a distorted social formula of powerlessness, ambivalence, wholesomeness, pseudo-maleness and perfect-body-ism. And see sex as an active partnership between lovers, not some mysterious thing created by tradition to be passively accepted.

Yes, for some women this perspective will require personal, relationship and social change. But healthy adult sexuality is worth it: a dependable source of rich, nurturing, intimate, fun experiences during which you can feel powerful and womanly. Making that part of your life is probably long overdue...isn't it?

By Marty Klein, Ph.D., Licensed Marriage & Family Counselor and Sex Therapist

Related posts:

1. Swinging and the Scandalous Woman – Part 2
2. Swinging and the Scandalous Woman – Part 1
3. The Art Of The Hook Up

It was my last boyfriend, Mark. Who encouraged me to try group sex. I met him in college when I was 20 and he was 23 and fell head over heels in love. I was a virgin when we met, but I soon became very experimental in bed - you're only young once, after all! When he told me he would love to watch me with another man I was intrigued, not shocked. The thought of being in a situation where I could have sex with as many people as I wanted, in an environment where I wouldn't be judged, turned me on.

Even so, the first time I went to a sex party with him I was really nervous. I wanted to try it, but I needed a few glasses of wine just to get myself out the door. As soon as I walked in, everything changed. The party was held in a beautiful London hotel. Every room was full of plush leather sofas and candles and all the bar staff wore black ties - it just didn't feel seedy at all. I could feel at least ten men's eves on me - I felt powerful knowing I could seduce every single one of them.

That first time really opened my eyes. Mark had to guide me through the etiquette: if people wanted sex with you they would place a hand on the small of your back. If you wanted to refuse, it was fine, just say no. If a door to a room is open then the people inside are inviting you to join them, if it's closed then whats going on inside is for the participants' pleasure only.

My first experience in the club was with another man, with Mark watching. We were standing at the bar when a really hot guy approached us and started flirting. I was flattered because he was so good looking - nothing like the fat, middle-aged business men that I had expected to come to parties like this. My stomach lurched when he asked us to join him in the back room. Mark had already told me that this was where all the action took place, and I couldn't believe I was about to have sex with a man I'd only just met. The second we entered the room he began to kiss me. It was really sensual and gentle. I felt safe knowing that Mark was watching and then the next thing I knew, I was naked on a bed with the other man and we were fondling each other.

Mark and I split up a few months later as he was going traveling, but I knew that I couldn't stop going to sex parties. I was addicted. I go to an 'event' once a month now, which I get told about through emails and texts, and usually sleep with up to about six guys.

Everyone is careful about safe sex and there are bowls of condoms in every room. I'd never have sex with someone who wouldn't use protection - its just not worth the risk.

I've now been single for about four months and have been swinging on my own and with friends. Most parties are kept secret until the night before. The scene is really quite exclusive because they don't want loads of random people turning up. I've been to small private parties in homes with about ten people, and have also attended big swingers' balls with hundreds.

I've had some really funny moments at sex parties. One evening a very attractive blonde asked me to join her and her partner. It was only when I met him in the voyeur's room (a room with a two-way mirror) that I realized the man was an old teacher of mine. Luckily, he didn't seem to recognize me and the three of us ended up having the most amazing experience in the Jacuzzi - I had eight orgasms!

Some people might think my sex life is strange, but to me it's perfectly normal. Everyone has their preferences in bed and mine just happens to he group sex. Some nights I'd like to be snuggled up with a boyfriend instead of having sex with strangers, but I'd probably get bored sleeping with the same person all the time. One day I'll get married and be monogamous but I want to enjoy life as much as possible While I'm still young.

Quite a few of my close friends know about my 'hobby' and they think it's fantastic. Many have confessed that they'd secretly love to try it. I think women are starting to realize that they have every right to sexual gratification - it's no longer just about the men in the bedroom. Women want new experiences too. I think my friends can see how confident my sex life makes me and how I feel empowered by it all. I also get a lot of male attention when I go out - they like that I'm so self-assured.

Swinging doesn't define me - I am also a graduate, an aunt and, hopefully, I'll he a wife and mother one day. But at the moment it certainly plays a big part in my life. I love it.

Related posts:

1. Swinging and the Scandalous Woman – Part 1
2. Women’s Self Oppression Undermines Their Sexuality

Paul C., owner of Playfulswingers.com, states that historically it has not been uncommon to find societies that have advocated having a lifestyle with multiple sexual partners. Furthermore both royalty and nobility in many cultures had consorts and concubines. Ancient Rome has been notable (if not infamous) for its enthusiastic acceptance of orgies and alternative sexual practices. However, though contemporary swingers celebrate those ideals, the actual practice of swinging in the 20th century began differently.

According to Terry Gould's The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, swinging began among U.S. Air Force pilots and their wives during World War II. In this small community, the mortality rate among pilots was significantly high. Gould reports that a close bond between pilots arose, with the implication that the husbands would protect and care for all the wives as their own, both emotionally and sexually, if the husbands were away or lost. This historical narrative is debatable, however, since it would have been highly unusual for servicemen's wives to accompany them on any foreign tours of duty.

Other sources point to American Air Force pilots stationed in the California desert as the original participants in modern swinging. Though the exact beginnings are not agreed upon, it is widely assumed that swinging began amongst American military communities in the 1950s. By the time the Korean War ended, these groups had spread from the bases to the nearby suburbs. The media picked up on them in 1957 and promptly dubbed the phenomenon 'wife-swapping.' It wasn't until the 1960s in Berkeley, California that the first organization, 'Sexual Freedom League', for swingers was opened.

Ultimately, an umbrella organization called the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) (now NASCA International) was formed to encourage accurate information about swinging lifestyles all across America. Some subjective scientific research into swinging has been conducted in the USA since the late 1960s. The most recent study, based on an Internet questionnaire addressed to visitors of lifestyle-related sites, found swingers are happier in their relationships than the norm. 60% Of swingers said that swinging improved their relationship and only 1.7% said it made their relationship less happy.

Half of those who rated their relationship very happy before becoming swingers maintained it had become even happier. 90% Of those with less happy relationships said swinging improved them. Almost 70% of swingers claimed no problem with controlling jealousy, around a quarter admitted 'I have difficulty controlling jealousy when swinging' to be somewhat true but only 6% said this was 'Yes, Very Much' true. Swingers rate themselves happier (59% against 32% very happy) and their lives much more exciting (76% against 54% exciting) than does the rest of the population, by surprisingly large margins. There was no difference between the responses of men and women, although more males (70%) than females completed the survey.

This study, while enlightening, is of limited accuracy of the swinging population as a whole, due to its self-selected sampling technique. Internet-based sampling procedures create a substantial potential for bias. It is likely that those swinging couples who had stronger relationships were more motivated to complete the questionnaire. Alternatively, the stress that swinging may place on a marriage means that only those with higher than average levels of commitment to their partners are able to remain married whilst swinging.

Couples that have jealousy or strife issues caused by swinging will not usually stay in the swinging lifestyle and thus would have been unlikely to respond. ABC News reporter John Stossel produced an investigative report into the lifestyle. Stossel reported that over 4 million people are swingers, according to estimates by the Kinsey Institute and other researchers. He also cited Terry Gould's research, in which Gould concluded that 'couples swing in order to not cheat on their partners.' When Stossel asked swinging couples whether they worry that their spouse will 'find they like someone else better', one male interviewee replied, 'People in the swinging community swing for a reason.

They don't swing to go out and find a new wife;' while a woman interviewee asserted, 'It makes women more confident -- that they are the ones in charge.' Stossel interviewed 12 marriage counselors about the lifestyle. According to Stossel, 'not one of them said don't do it', though some also said 'getting sexual thrills outside of marriage can threaten a marriage'. Nevertheless, the swingers whom Stossel interviewed claimed that 'their marriages are stronger because they don't lie to each other."

Is Swinging For You?

More young women than ever before are trying it out, but to be sure it's for you, check out these rules:

1. You might like swinging if you're usually sexually confident and adventurous.

2. You won't if you're trying to mend a bad relationship or if you're a jealous type.

3. Don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do at a party. No means no!

4. Always talk it through with you man (or men) first.

Related posts:

1. Swinging and the Scandalous Woman – Part 2
2. Women’s Self Oppression Undermines Their Sexuality